Byron Bay business consultant and mentor Sonia Friedrich looks at the price of living an ‘adapted’ life, and ways to find our way back to our authentic selves.
For most of us our life has become a recipe of other people’s beliefs. From early childhood we are told what we can and can’t do, and we behave accordingly or act out in some manner because of ‘learned response’. We soon learn how to manipulate to get what we want OR we stop asking for what we want because of the consequences.
We adapt to the circumstances around us and this creates reactions that we continue to live. We no longer believe we deserve it, whatever our it is. From something as small as a candy bar when we were a child, to as an adult believing we don’t deserve to have a successful business or relationship.
Our adult life often becomes the consequential adaptation to a series of beliefs and resulting behaviours from everything we’ve absorbed from our family and those in our social environment as the “right way to live”. We mould our world believing we needed the approval of others in the process, and this need for approval is often debilitating to our entire life. Many of us as adults find this hard to admit this or bother to take the time to listen to the words we speak and hear the beliefs they support. Let alone question if they are true for us.
A recent example shows this in action. A few weeks ago the government announced a “be alarmed” campaign about terrorism. I was speaking to a friend who said she was seriously considering not going to the grand final of the football because there might not be enough security. She is a committed fan and two days before she was definitely going to the grand final. And now politicians said something that she heard as ‘it might not be safe for me, I could be killed’. Nothing else in this equation had changed. The media alert was concocted to support going to war. Was there a real threat? In my mind, no. In hers, yes. And YES, she did end up going to the grand final. Did anything happen? No – apart from her team losing. Most of us do this every day. We let external influences dictate and overshadow our life. Most of us are unconscious to the influences that impact and change our thinking and behaviour.
How do we become authentic again?
Having adapted so much it can be difficult to know who we actually are and where our authenticity lies. Most people have never truly listened to the words that come out of their mouth to ask themselves:
- “Where did this answer come from?”
- “Who said it to me?”
- “Who’s voice is it really? Is it mine?”
- “What do I believe?”
- “Is what I am saying to others actually what comes out of my mouth?”
Becoming an observer to our own self provides awareness as to whether we are living an authentic or adapted self. Begin to listen to your own words. Hear how often in a day you say what you don’t believe. Ask the questions above to find out where the answer came from and when the first imprint was made. You may get a rude shock. You may have spent a lifetime supporting beliefs that are not yours. This adaptation of life, to the whims and beliefs of others, is what creates our adapted self. It has been learned, so with consciousness, it can be unlearned.
Find your voice again
In stillness and silence you can find your voice again. Tune back into your heart and re-learn your own opinions and beliefs from the life experiences you have had to date. If you don’t know what you believe, don’t answer. It’s o.k. not to offer an opinion. It is o.k to say: “I don’t know”. Give yourself permission and create the space to hear your inner voice.
“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”
~ Carl Jung
Feel again
Our ability to feel what is true for us as individuals is critical. We have a society that shuns emotion, yet emotion is what keeps us true to our ‘self’. Continuing to suppress emotions causes contraction and keeps us in a state of constant adaptation. Being vulnerable and honest enough to feel will reconnect you with who you are and the authenticity you had as a child. Learning how to cope with our lives we often lose parts of this innocence – until we may reach a place where we have given so much that the core of who we are is lost. We learn how to mask our feelings so we don’t get hurt. Each time we compromise a little piece of ourselves and adapt to a situation, rather than voice and stay with our authentic self, we lose another part of who we are.
We live an authentic life when everything we think, believe, say and do occurs from a place of alignment with our soul. It is complete and true honouring of the self.
Sonia Friedrich is a Mentor and Business Consultant and works with Directors wishing to align their personal and professional life. Call Sonia 0412359424 or visit: soniafriedrichphotography
